Keeping up with the Habsburgs

[selenak]

Friedrich wasn't the only one who ascended to the throne in 1740.

Maria Theresia
Collecting various posts on Friedrich’s best enemy, the one and only female ruler of Austria and de facto of the Holy Roman Empire:



So, random Maria Theresia related trivia and background stuff, with an eye to parallels and differences to certain Prussian siblings, or just because I found it interesting:

- like most royals and nobles in her century, her actual raising was done by nurses, governesses and later teachers; she had a respectful though distant relationship to both her parents, whereas she adored her nanny, Frau von Fuchs, whom she called "Mami" (which, yes, means Mom in German) and at times referred to as Füchsin, in a pun on her name (which means fox). As with Wilhelmine's Fräulein von Sonsfeld (aka "Sonsine"), "Mami" remained with MT for the rest of her life. MT had her buried in the Habsburg crypt, the sole non-Habsburg to be so. IF MT, the occasional temper outburst throughout her life, depression in old age and bigotry in same not withstanding, was emotionally balanced most of the time, this woman clearly deserves the credit.

- it's worth noting that neither MT (of course not, because ruler, but also because 18th century) nor Wilhelmine raised their daughters, either. When Friederike, Wilhelmine's daughter, is about to make her illfated marriage to Karl Eugen of Württemberg, Wilhelmine writers she's sad "because I have just begun to know her, and we were starting to get close". MT saw her kids four times a week on avarage during their childhood and early adolescence, which was regarded as sensationally much by the court. (In addition, she sat in on Joseph's school lessons and examinations every two months, but then he was the future emperor.)

- speaking of the Habsburg crypt - the famous "Kapuzinergruft" - , the tomb MT had comissioned for Franz Stefan and herself takes a common trope - the dead couple lying next to each other - and gives it a twist: both figures are turned towards each other, not towards heaven, and are looking at each other:

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/30/Wien_-_Kapuzinergruft%2C_Maria-Theresia-Gruft_%281%29.JPG/1024px-Wien_-_Kapuzinergruft%2C_Maria-Theresia-Gruft_%281%29.JPG

- the intimacy in this depiction also echoes another exception: MT and Franz Stefan shared a bedroom. The usual practice were separate bedrooms, sex ensued in one of them, and afterwards the husband (usually) buggered off, no pun intended. MT and Franz Stefan did have separate bedrooms but also a shared bedroom in between, which they used most of the time when both present. MT's advice (by letter) to her daughter Marie Antoinette was to share a bedroom and a bed with her husband as well, not just for sex but to sleep in together. This, she wrote, was one of the few ways to be truly alone together and outside of everyone's view, and it also created familiarity and a relationship. To her disappointment, Marie Antoinette didn't listen (or young Louis truly wouldn't go for it, which was Antoinette's explanation, because her mother could hardly blame her for obeying her husband); the French court, of course, found the mere idea of actually sleeping (as in sleep, not sex) together terribly degoutant and ridiculous.

- while we're talking sex, on the downside, one of MT's characteristics alienating both her contemporaries and posterity about her was that she tried to police everyone else's sex lives in a way not seen since Octavian/Augustus made adultery a crime in ancient Rome. (This had not been the case previously, when her father ruled, who otherwise had been more formal and old fashioned than her , more about this later. The Vienna MT grew up in was in fact famous for its sexual license. And would be again, because Joseph got rid of these laws as soon as she was dead.) Extramarital sex was strictly illegal, the police were encouraged to spy on offenders. This, of course, did not stop anyone. Contemporaries and biographers weren't slow to speculate the reason for this were less her religion and more projected resentment for Franz Stefan cheating on her which she couldn't direct at him. It's worth noting, though, that she honored his wishes regarding the most prominent of his mistresses after his death and gave her a pension (of the same amount as requested) instead of mistreating or just cutting the woman off. Her anti-extramarital-sex laws got worse after his death, though.

- on the other hand, MT also made an interesting exception for illegitimate mothers. This was because she could quickly see that if a woman was severely punished for unlicensed sex, and getting pregnant was the most glaring proof this had happened, it lead to either abortion or infanticide of newborn babies. So midwives and priests were indeed encouraged by law to keep the confidence of pregnant unmarried mothers and help them instead of reporting them.

- less successful was her attempt to end prostitution by putting prostitutes into work houses instead. The idea had been to give them "honest work" so they wouldn't starve once their job was illegal, but predictably (from our pov), this ended up with the women being terribly exploited as cheap labour. Joseph, all credit to him, during his many tours through his empire as a young co-ruler inspected enough of these places to come back with horrified reports and absolutely and passionately insisted the practice had to stop. This was one of the few times he won an argument with his mother.

- back to young MT: her first year or so in office when first Fritz and then everyone else invaded resulted in a lot of quite obscene caricatures, usually printed in the Netherlands, depicting a young woman getting stripped by a couple of men tearing her clothes from her (in national costumes indicating who represented which nation) , as more or less an overt gang rape, with verses to match. This was not done in sympathy for MT, mind, but as part of the general "well, it's a woman on the throne, she clearly needs to be fucked in every sense" feeling. However, once MT had persuaded the Hungarians to accept her as their Queen and fight for her, the fortunes of war changed to the point that Bavaria was counterinvaded which robbed her rival - the Wittelsbach Emperor - of his home base and later allowed her to blackmail his son Maximilian into not trying to succeed his father and instead voting for Franz Stefan as Emperor- the metaphor in caricatures was turned around; now MT (fully dressed) was depicted stealing the Wittelsbach Emperor's pants and wearing them.

- amazingly enough, her closest royal friend and pen pal was Maximilian's sister Antonia of Bavaria, later married to August the Strong's son and thus ruling Saxony, which put Antonia in a relatively good position for reporting on Fritz (a next door neighbour in terms of how close Saxony and Prussia were)

- even more amazingly, Franz Stefan, who'd met Fritz while doing his two year Grand Tour through Europe (he was present on Fritz' official engagement party, for example, not that this was a joyful occasion to our antihero), had actually be charmed by him (though when Fritz wrote his "dear FS, I'm totally respecting your (and your girl's) right on the Austrian heartlands and will vote for you as Emperor if you hand over Silesia, which by the time you're getting this letter I'm actually invading" message, he was horrified and told the Prussian ambassador so) and later periodically made attempts to persuade MT to maybe consider a reconciliation with Prussia over a French alliance (not least because he had an ongoing grudge against the French for first accepting his duchy Lorraine as a bribe to accept the Pragmatic Sanction, which meant he married MT essentially as a beggar, and then invading anyway), which were all met with a resounding "No, Franzl, NO".

- MT really was a hardcore worker, getting up around 4 am, 5 at the latest, while going to bed around 11 pm (going to bed here means removing herself from public sight, as we know these times from ambassadors reporting to their various masters; who knows whether she actually slept). As mentioned elsewhere, civil servants asking for more vacation time were met by an unsympathetic reminder she was up and about two days after childbirth, so what were they moaning about?

- this being said, she didn't just shrug off those births. After child No. 10, she wrote to Antonia - Marie Antoinette's godmother, btw - that she'd be grateful if that was it, because it pregnancy and birth was draining, she was getting fat and short of breath, and enough was enough (the dynasty was secure). As to why man-of-the-world Franz Stefan didn't have sex with her in a way that did not lead to more procreation and thus children 11 - 16? Neither of them ever said anything, but you can always speculate that it was for religious reasons on her part. After all, this is the woman who insisted on performing all the kneeling on a Good Friday when seven months pregnant, when every priest would have happily absolved her (not least because the health of the monarch and her unborn child were not a private matter).

- she had a keen sense of the performative part of being a monarch, all the more so because she needed to prove herself, a female ruler on the throne being unprecedented in the German speaking territories, and she was good in turning what was regarded as a weakness at the start - her being a wife and mother (if women per se were "the weaker vessel", you can imagine what a pregnant woman was at an age where a lot of them died in childbirth, not to mention that the traditional role of a wife obeying her husband directly conflicted with the idea of her as her husband's social superior) - as a strength: when she made her appeal to the Hungarian parliament, she emphasized her motherhood (though she did not, as legend would have it, newborn Joseph in her arms, Madonna fashion, during the appeal itself; she did have him brought to Hungary, though, since her finally having given birth to a son was a big plus in her favour) and turned into a "you brave and knightly men surely will protect me" thing, all flowing robes, tears in eyes and feminitity written all over her. (It worked.) Otoh, when the actual Hungarian coronation ceremony demanded for her to be on a horse (astride, male fashion), raising a sword (a real, heavy one) and turning thus, sword raised, with the horse in four directions, she did that, too. (MT turned out to be a good equestrarian in general and used the famous riding hall in Vienna for an all female big event in which solely women performed daring riding stunts not long after. Even the French, at the time still hoping their Bavarian ally would make it, were grudgingly impressed by the sheer spectacle.)

- but then, she had already started performing as a child (singing and dancing) at court events. (This was not unusual in the 18th century for royalty. No one had forgotten Le Roi Soleil and his ballet dancing. The nineteenth century had every different ideas about royal dignity, of course (more in line with FW's), but the first depiction we have of child Marie Antoinette is ballet dancing at a court event together with her sisters as well.)

- on the other end of the scale, MT's father Karl had been the ruler during whose lifetime the Habsburgs lost Spain to the Bourbons. After the last Spanish Habsburg (the famously inbred Charles) had died, the Austrian Habsburgs totally expected to inherit, but Louis XIV had other ideas (and put his grandson on the throne). Karl for a while held Northern Spain, though, and he was the Habsburg to bring Spanish Court Etiquette to the Austrian court. This meant, among other things, that anyone being presented to the Emperor or the Empress had to kneel down three times before approaching them, and then they had to kiss their hand. The other German princes resented that a lot. MT cut it down to one time kneeling down and one time hand kissing, and Joseph dispensed with the kneeling altogether. (His nephew Franz II, the reactionary, reintroduced it.) I'm still mulling whether or not MT would have been likely to demand it from Wilhelmine on her Bayreuth visit or whether she'd have been diplomatic and skipped it (knowing how much especially the Protestant German Princes resented it). She'd definitely demand it from Fritz during a fictional summit, though!
Re: the only allowing one of her kids to marry for love, whereas she did marry the man of her choice: double standard indeed, though in fairness, the situation was different in that one of the reasons why she knew her Franzl ahead of time and thus had the opportunity to fall in love with him was that he was partially raised at the court in Vienna when not in Lorraince. And the reason for this was that her father was at least tentatively eyeing him as a potential marriage candidate for one of his daughters. (Like Fritz having young Carl Eugen raised in Prussia, then marrying him to Wilhelmine's daughter.) While this had not been done with the intention of making Franz Stefan the Emperor - since MT's Dad kept hoping for a son of his own throughout - he was seen as a possible suitable political alliance for an arch duchess, so her love match also made political sense.

(Well, except for the part that by the time they did marry, her political value as heiress had increased so much that FS was no longer a truly beneficial candidate, but that's another story.)

Ultimately, though, it came down to marriage as a key way to make or maintain alliances, and the famous Habsburg motto: Tu felix Austria nube! MT did not have all those children as a private person, after all, or for her own maternal joy. She had them as part of her duty to her country. (And to prevent the situation she herself had been in, with only two female children - her and her younger sister Maria Anna (aka Marianne), who died when still in her 20s - left to secure the future.) Making an exception for MC was possible because out of the 16, ten were still alive (and marriagle/already married) at that point, but if all had been allowed to marry (or not) according to their own choosing, the entire purpose of their existence would have been abandoned.

There was also the fact Franz Stefan really went through a non-stop humiliation conga in the early years as the guy without political clout of his own (as a ruler in his own right would have had). Starting with the marriage ceremony: because the House of Lorraine was not a royal one (they were dukes, after all), his younger brother, who was present, could only be present as a private citizen and could not be greeted by the other royals present or the papal nuntius. Who wasn't able to say hello to the groom, either. Because he'd had to give up his duchy, he was entirely dependent on the Habsburgs and told by his father in law, in public, that "since the Emperor had given him the honor of marrying his daughter he would have to suffer all at the Emperor's pleasure", his only use was to father sons, and if he couldn't even do that, what was the point of him? (If Joseph had been born before MT's dad died, he would have been able to bypass her as heiress, made the baby his heir and install a regent.) No fellow sovereign who'd been married for politics would have been treated this way. And precisely because MT loved her Franzl, she hated seeing this happen, and might not have regarded marriage (primarily) for love as an example to follow.

Incidentally, Franz Stefan's letter to his son Leopold when the later became Duke of Tuscany is quite revealing in what he learned during that time: With politeness, amiabilitiy and gentleness (politesse, complaisance & douceur) one got further than with a lordly tone (le ton de maitre); inner calm (tranquilleté chez soi) was more important than authority. In matters not of crucial importance, it was okay to concede and let the other win. Especially for marriage, it was important to listen to each other and learn to deal with each other's temper (humeur). A wife should see her husband as a true friend, not as a lord and master. The ideal marriage was: "sincere friendship and complete trust between husband and wife". In general, he adviced his son to put himself into the other party's shoes now and then and always be careful of his own flaws, for nous meme, we ourselves, were the worst enemy we could have.

(This is clearly both why MT loved him and why his contemporaries thought he was a joke, and not like a man should be at all.)
Oh, and one more thing about Leopold and marriage: prepare yourself for both farce and tragedy when it comes to the actual wedding. MT had the idea of letting it happen not in Vienna, but in Innsbruck, capital of Tyrolia. This was because it had meaning for the House of Lorraine (Franz Stefan's granddad had been in exile there when Louis XIV had invaded and temporarily occupied Lorraine, and his father had been born there before everyone returned to Lorraine) and for her and Franz (they'd spent part of their honeymoon there). So, romantic, right?

Except that Leopold got a stomach flu and couldn't get rid of it all the way from Vienna to Innsbruck. He spent his wedding literally trying not to shit himself. Everyone disliked the commissioned opera (not by Mozart, don't worry). It started to rain, which drenched the fireworks. It was hell.

And then, once the wedding day was finally over (Imperial weddings took eons), the news arrived that Joseph's first father-in-law, Isabella's father the Duke of Parma, had died. Cue necessity for the Imperial family to get their mourning suits out. So much for the farce part, but it gets worse.

Still the same week, it's now Sunday, everyone prays for Isabella's late Dad at mass. Franz Stefan isn't feeling so well. He couldn't sleep the previous night. MT suggests a bi tof blood letting since she's worried. He declines and says to get one with the (still related to the week long Leopold wedding festivities) shows; he watches a comedy by Goldoni and a Ballet by Gluck, and is on the way upstairs together with Joseph and some courtiers when he has a stroke. Joseph catches him in time and prevents him from falling; they get him on a servant's bed in the antechamber and call doctors and priests. But he's dead not even ten minutes later.

Now bear in mind that for us, a quick death is something enviable. For a Catholic monarch in the 18th century, it's horrible. It means they haven't had time to confess, get shriven, face their maker. This is not a good death. It means purgatory, and might mean hell. Which is why MT, who has heard exclamations and much uproar, naturally is on her way to her husband but kept away from him on Joseph's orders. By no means is she to know Franzl had a stroke and died unprepared. She's lied to that he's just feeling bad again, the doctors are taking care of it. Joseph tells her (some of) the truth later, after he's pressured the priest to say there were some signs of life left when he arrived so he could provide the last unction for Franz Stephan and FS died shriven. So by the time MT gets told by Joseph that her husband is gone, and she can see him, he's been dead for hours.

And MT never, ever, gets over it. Even ten years later, she writes to a confidant: "I spend the years, the months, the weeks, the days in the same stupor, the same bitterness as with the first day, and often I am glad the days that pass are over so I'm one day closer to my ending. (...) I know myself no more, for I live like an animal, without a soul and reason. I forget things. I get up at five, I go to bed late, and I'm not doing anything that truly counts. I do not even think."

These quotes are from a letter written in French to a former lady in waiting. After her death, people found handwritten notes in her prayer book, these in German and with excentric spelling (no capital letters) and a litany of numbers: "emperor franciscus my husband has lived 56 years eight months ten days, has died on August 18th 1765 on half bast ten in the evenig. Has lived 680 months, 2958 weeks, 20778 days, 496992 hours. My happy marriage lasted 29 years, six months, six days, and at the same hour I gave him my hand, also on a Sunday, he was taken from me. In sum 29 years, 335 months, 1540 weeks, 10781 days, 258744 hours."

(This, like Joseph's letter about his daughter, breaks my heart.)

One Count von Podewils, Prussian ambassador in Vienna, had a lot to say about Friedrich’s arch nemesis. That it is an "enemy" assassment makes it especially valuable, of course, as opposed to some Austrian courtier wanting to carry favor, but bear the intended recipient in mind:




"Her numerous births have made her quite heavy. Nonetheless, she carries herself vivaciously, and has a majestic bearing. Her looks are impressive, though she spoils them by the way she dresses.(...) She has a round face, the hairs are blond without being reddish. Her eyes are large and sparkling, yet due to their bright blue colouring also benevolent. A small nose, neither an eagle's beak nor a pointed stub. The mouth is quite large, but still beautiful. Her teeth are white. A pleasant smile. Her neck and breasts are well formed. (...) Her expression is open and amused. Her look smiling and gracious. One cannot deny that she is a beautiful person."

(At this point, I imagine Fritz drumming his fingers and grumbling "Dude, did I ask ou to write a "MT, Hot or Not?" assessment? Do I need to replace you? What is she like?"

"The Queen (of Hungary) is a good actress. When she ascended the throne, she discovered the secret of appearing lovable and admirable by putting her sex, her beauty and her pregnancies in the foreground. She observed herself and only showed her good sides, friendly, pious, liberal, compassionate, courageous generous; thus, she won the hearts of her subjects. (...) Everyone competed to sacrifice themselves for the best of princesses. But it is hard to maintain an assumed character. The queen could not force herself to do this for long."

So, after the first Silesian War, says the good Ambassador, she revealed her true nature:

Her efforts to disguise her ambition beneath the veil of the dangers she was under relented. One slowly realised that far from being touched by the misery of her people, she was only driven by the ambition to enlarge her territory and thus continued the war without blushing. All the praise the world had heaped on her and a lot of her own self regard gave her a high opinion of her own abilities and made her authoritarian. Now, she listens to little advice, shows as much pride as her ancestors did and shows herself vengeful and unforgiving.

(Three guesses towards whom. However, the ambassador admits that she's not entirely undeserving of praise even now, for:)

"She has a quick and thorough mind and knows to devote herself to the matters of state with an eagerness that helps her solve difficulties. She combines a good memory with an assured judgment. She also knows very well to pretend and to keep her thoughts to herself so I find it difficult to read what is in her heart from her face. Nearly always, she appears to be friendly, warmhearted and encouraging towards those who are shy. Her manners are uncomplicated and thoughtful. She speaks clearly, acts graciously, and sometimes enjoys hearing herself talk. It is still relatively easy to address her, though not as much as at the beginning of her rule. She listens to the suggestions one makes with patience and kindness, and sometimes accepts the petitions for help directly."

But what does her army think of serving a woman who can't command them in the field?

"She is much beloved by the troops whose respect she earned by the courage she showed during the cruel defeats at the start of her rule. It is said that for a time, she was even seriously determined to command her armies herself, before being dissuaded. Generall speaking, she appears to stay away from the weaknesses of her sex and seeks to cultivate the virtues least fitting for it. (...) She seems to dislike being born a woman, for she does not pay enough attention to preserving her beauty,exposing herself without caution to the dangers of the weather, walking outside for hours in searing heat or bitter coldness, which she can endure even better than the heat. She lacks care for her finery, and except for holidays dresses in a simple fashion, with the court following her example."

Now if you've seen any portrait of MT, at whatever age, you might be tempted to exclaim "simple?". But leaving aside all portraits use carefully chosen costumes; what the ambassador here in particular is referring to is that MT, which we know from her letters as well, had no time for those extremely wide hoop skirts which for example her daughter MA favoured; in her every day life, she preferred as small a hoop as she could get away with in the fashion of the day, which made movement easier (especially once she'd gained weight).
The Kids
Marie Antoinette



Teenage MA arrives at Versailles, marries young teenage Louis, while his grandfather, Louis XV., is still ruling, with the last of his famous mistresses, the Countess of Dubarry, at his side. MA and young Louis (see earlier entry about Joseph, improvised sex counsellor) don't have sex. Old Louis as per usual does, a lot. So does Madame Dubarry. Who is hated by her lover's adult and unmarried daughters, nicknamed "the aunts". (No, really, centuries pre Margaret Atwood.)

Aunts *scheme*: Surely the daughter of MT will not greet Dad's slut? You could totally impress everyone by showing that whore who she really is, MA!
Easily influenced teen MA: *snobs Dubarry in public by not speaking to her*
Dubarry: I worked for this position. Lover, make the funny little carrot (*that*s what she called her in rl*) say hello to me, will you?
Louis XV: Say hello to my mistress, sweetie, will you?
Aunts: Don't do it! You're a Habsburg and the daughter of the most moral woman of Europe, she's a slut!
MA: Sorry, I can't.
Louis XV *summons Austrian Ambassador*: Tell MT to tell her daughter to say hello to my mistress, or the alliance is off.
MT *writes*: For God's sake, say hello to the mistress. I need that alliance. Your brother has just met Fritz at Neisse and is still starry eyed.
MA: But Mom! She's a slut! Surely you of all the people are not sanctioning talking to sluts!
MT: I would never malign my beloved husband, your late father and thus I won't mention I did talk to his mistress, before and after his death, but I will very cryptically say that sometimes needs must, some monarchs have their weaknesses and are still good people, and also, needs must, and did I mention I need that alliance? Say hello to Dubarry, that's all you need to do for your mother and your mother's empire.
MA: I'm very disappointed in you, Mom, but fine. *gets ready, but at the last moment does not talk to Dubarry and snubs her in public again, because she's 15 and a brat*
Louis XV: Should I write to Fritz instead?
MT: *unleashes her full written wrath on her fifteenth kid*
MA: *caves and says exactly seven words to Dubarry, in public* "There are many people tonight at Versailles."
Louis XV: Dear MT, we're good and staying allies.

Flashforward to three years later: Louis XV dies. Dubarry, as was the custom also when previous French kings died, is sent away during his dying so he can confess and is not in a state of sin. However, these ladies were then pensioned off, whereas...

MA: Dear Mom, am proudly writing my first letter as Queen now. Among many new things I'm doing is this: Making sure that slut Dubarry finally gets what's coming to her! Should have seen her face when she had to leave! No more creature comforts for you, whore!
MT: For God's sake. "I don't wish to hear from you about Dubarry again unless you write words of compassion." (Literal quote.) She's just lost everything, given she's been a mistress she's facing hellfire when she dies unless she repents, so you can show her some kindness now as a good Christian should.
MA: I don't get you, Mom. I really don't get you.

Joseph II



How (not) to be a successful reformer:

Joseph: Having Latin as the official language in schools bars the peasantry and a lot of the middle class from understanding anything. Therefore, I shall make German the official school language, thus opening the realm of learning to all the people, not just nobles and a few outstanding middle class scholars! The language of the people, for the people! Yay!

Hungarians, Czechs and assorted other East Europeans ruled over by the Habsburgs: What do you mean by "the people", asshole? We didn't save your mother's throne back in the day for you to impose German on us! HABSBURG LINGUISTIC TYRANNY!

Joseph: *gets never crowned in Hungary*

Joseph: One of the great evils of an Ancien Regime court is that ordinary citizens can't speak to their ruler, except for a very few times when Mom wants to make a point. They have to pay a dozen courtiers and civil servants before their petitions even have a chance of advancing, many can't afford that, and all the time, the nobles are getting fat with the bribery money. I shall therefore radically reform the entire system by making myself available directly to the people in halls, floors and on the streets and by contrast ignore any nobles bringing petitions. After all, the nobility is just a tiny percentage of my people, and I need to be there for all the others.

Nobles: Joseph, you asshole! We hate you forever! This is still a monarchy, buddy, and we're financing most of your army. See where you'll be without us.

Leopold *writes letter to friend*: Saw my brother Joe speaking to a dirty peasant while going up the stairs. Ew, ew, ew. I'm pro reform, too, but for sensible ones, that avoid pissing off everyone. For God's sake!

Ordinary people: ...does that mean we've paid Count X and Secretary Y for nothing and the Emperor still hasn't heard our case? This new Emperor is a tyrant!

Joseph: A major problem in this country is the stranglehold the Catholic church has on everything, including our education. I mean, just look at Mom. She was brilliant, don't get me wrong! I argued with her all the time while we were co-ruling, but I still admire the hell out of her, and by the way, Poldl, you snidely writing she was half senile near the end was a) a jerk move, and b) dead wrong, as I'm in the best position to know - look at that stunt she pulled with Catherine and Fritz when I was trying to take over Bavaria. That was in the last year of her life. Also, you weren't there, I was, you were in Tuscany. Anyway, as I was saying: Mom. Imagine what she'd have been like if she hadn't been educated by the most old fashioned Jesuit Granddad could find! So: I'm decreeing that education of the young, nobles and peasants alike, should be put into non-clerical hands. Any priest who does still want to teach needs to go to a non-clerical seminar first and qualify just like a layman would. Also, I want teaching priests swear loyalty to the state. Oh, and any orders who don't make themselves socially useful by running hospitals or caring for the poor get shut down and run out of the country.

Church: Clearly, Joseph is a secret atheist and may be the antichrist. Also, who do you think has been propping up your house all this time, buddy? Do you really think the Habsburgs would still be ruling without us? Preachers, tell everyone what's going on!

People: The Emperor is a godless fiend who wants us to give our children into the hands of the Freemasons who'll teach them evil rituals! I'm not sending my kid into one of those schools! Never!

Leopold: Congratulations, bro. You've now managed to piss off the nobles, the church and the people. Anyone left?

Joseph: Yes, Mr. Mozart, you may write a German language opera. In fact, I've been thinking. More people should write German language operas. As patron of the arts of this realm, I'm renaming the Burgtheater (literal: Castle theatre, used until that point exclusively by the imperial family and the nobility) into Deutsches National Theater, because that was one area Fritz was completely wrong in, and I'm determined to encourage German language culture in all departments, thus making the enjoyment of opera and theatre accessible to ordinary people!

Italian composers: Fuck no!

Joseph visits Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI in Paris, as covered by the Duc de Croy:


I've dipped into the diaries of the Duc de Croy, contemporary of Louis XV and sharp observer in his old age of Louis XVI, translated by that very Mr. Pleschinski whom you know through the Fritz/Voltaire Correspondance saga. The Duke is famous as THE source for goings on in Versailles, but he also was involved in the war of Austrian Succession and voted for MT's rival as Emperor due to being not just a French noble but a HRE one as well. (His family hailed from the always switching sides border territory.)

Haven't checked out the war stuff yet, but his description of Joseph's visit to Paris is great and also of interest in what it says about how such semi-official visits were handled. (And why it would have been a hell of a bother if Joseph had come officially. Versailles protocol was strict, and the problem alone of the Emperor outranking the King, and in which order which noble had to be received, when it came to seating arrangements would have been a headache. Whereas since officially Joseph was "Graf Falkenstein", he could basically come and go as he wanted and nobles could say hello in whichever order, etc.) (If Fritz had ever made a state visit to Paris, it would have been almost as big a problem - he didn't outrank Louis, but equal rank was a headache, too.) (This was why Wilhelmine travelled as the Gräfin Zollern when being in France, too.)

Now, our diarist is an old fashioned gentlemen who, for example, firmly disapproves of mistresses but once he actually met Pompadour and Dubarry, he found he liked them. He even kept in contact with Dubarry post regime change, and thus learns Joseph has been visiting her as well. (But sadly not what was said. Anyway, I find this intriguing, because there really is no political reason to visit the mistress of a dead king who has zilch current influence and also, since she started out from the gutter, no powerful family to placate.) Having actively fought against Joseph's Mom, he's also sometimes startled at himself for getting along with people who "shed French blood" (that's one way of putting it, Duke, given who started this war) at all, but is positively impressed by ViennaJoe. (Who might be travelling under an alias, but not really in secret. I.e. most people he met knew who he was. They just didn't have to go through elaborate ceremonies.)

The Duke notes that en route through France, Joseph got a lot of popular love in Lorraine, FS's old dukedom (that was given to France as a bribe to accept the Pragmatic Sanction which they kept and promptly ignored anyway), but both impresses and somewhat irritates people by visiting hospitals and cadet schools because "he kept commenting perhaps a bit too accurately", down to arguing anatomy with, for example, the chief surgeon in Metz. (Yep, he's modeled himself on Fritz, alright.)
The first sight the Duke himself catches of Joseph is "a shaby German chaise with post horses driving quickly", with only wet two servants(it's raining) and another one on horseback. ("That's how they always travel in Germany, no matter in which weather or during which time of the year, in open and very ugly carriages.") The Duke is a bit shocked that the HRE is really taking this travelling anonymously thing this far. I mean. One carriage! Three servants only! Horror!

Joseph is en route the Petit Luxembourg where he'll stay during his time in Paris (whereas sister Mimi wasn't allowed to go there, either, when she came later), and presents himself in Versailles on Saturday, April 19th, at a quarter past ten in the morning. The Duke notes Joseph first spends a while locked away alone with MA, then with MA and Louis, the gets presented to the rest of the royal family (the aunts, Louis' brothers and sister): "He appeared as a respectful foreigner who wants to please his hosts. He even wanted to meet the little Duc d'Angouleme." (That would be Louis' kid nephew.) Now it's (public) lunchtime and of course tout Versailles is ogling the Royal family & guest having lunch. ("We noted that he" - Joseph - "drank only water. He wasvery tanned from his travel.")
Next day, Joseph "in a terrible hired carriage" visits the local hospitals (again) ("out of preference or calculation, he seems to be mainly interested in hospitals, universities and all that serves humanity. The evening, he spent at the opera. His French is flawless, he speaks smoothly and wittily, if at times with a German grammatical construction."

The Duke approves less of the fact that Joseph rises at an ungodly early time though he notes that gives Joseph space for more tourist stuff. At half past one, Joseph joins his sister at the Trianon where they lunch a deux without any courtiers (what is going on, wonders the Duke). Or Louis, who has gone hunting. Then they go walking. This seems to be an Austrian habit, notes our narrator:
"Like her brother the Queen often enjoys taking the air, for the empress Maria Theresia has raised them without the former stiffness of the House of Habsburg." This evening, when Joseph enters one of the salons at Versailles without announcement, the Duke finally has the chance to pounce and talk to the visitor himself.

"The Emperor who appeared to be relieved being able to talk to someone and paid me compliments for more than fifteen minutes, and devoted himself exclusively to me with such pleasant and flattering words that it went swimmingly between us. (...) In order to say something, I directed the conversation towards the menagerie which he had visited this morning. He praised it a lot and said "In Vienna, we have a male elephant. Yours is female; I've got a mind to arrange a marriage!" Thus we jested for a while and I was tempted to say that I could imagine an even more important marriage project for him! "

Since it's getting late, Joseph doesn't return to Paris but stays overnight in Versailles, which means sleeping on the floor, since there's little room elsewhere. This shocks the Duke again.

"One notices he's in many ways modelling himself on Charles XII of Sweden and the King of Prussia. But it is strange that someone whom the King has officially adressed as the Queen's brother sleeps at an inn at Versailles on the floor!"


Still, he's won over by our boy. "All appears to be to his credit, and in a natural fashion, for he does not have the time nor the wish to consult a local advisor on manners. The ladies he met, that is, those with offices at Versailles, quite fancy him. But through all the gracious and friendly tone he used, he still remained the Emperor. He honors the education his noble mother has given him. He is sixandthirty years old, and while he lives modestly, one notices he has learned to refine his taste through paying attention. As for myself, I looked at the elephant with great pleasure, which despite being an elephant cow is with nearly seven foot a tall example of its kind. It is at liberty to stroll through the Park each morning. Our rhino, which is unique in Europe, appears to have grown somewhat and amazed me. The camels, dromedars, lions and tigers made for an excellent menagerie, and I noted down the animals still lacking.

When I had changed my clothing, I went to the King's dinner, where I was surprised to hear "the Emperor has done this, the Emperor has done that" etc. Well, a certain difference between the two monarchs is undeniable."

Joseph's ongoing tourist program includes Notre Dame, the palace of justice to attend a trial, and more hospitals. The Duke doesn't have the chance to observe him closely again until he spots Joseph with MA in a salon where MA is gambling. "I observed him mainly because I heard him say that princes should not gamble at high stakes, for it was the money of their subjects they were gambling with - a hint to the Queen. I believe this irritated the Queen a lot. Since both of them are in awe of the Empress, their almighty and ruling mother, the Queen was surely afraid of what he would report in Vienna."

The Duke doesn't miss the symbolism of Joseph being here at al, for:

"If one considers that this famous man, despite the often simple people around him, is the heir of the House of Habsburg and thus as our natural enemy has caused much French blood to be shed, one is allowed to be quite amazed."

Joseph isn't a spoilsport for his sister's entertainment all the time, though, and visits the opera with her repeatedly, which allows the Duke to pounce again.

"He esteems our good French comedies. HIs departure seems to be imminent. He said that he prefers Italian music to our operas, but that Italian comedies were too silly for him, whereas he prefers our comedies in which one could admire the acting and could understand and explore every single character. He never voiced a political opinion and thus appeared inscrutable. When a lady asked him about his opinion on the American rebels, he replied: "Given my profession, Madame, I have to be a Royalist and am not allowed to praise any rebels." Thus he disguised his opinions."

As we get to the end of may, it's noticed that Joseph spends entire days (like May 29th) alone with the Queen and King, sans courtiers and with a lot of strolls through the park. The Duke is too dignified to speculate what they're talking about, he's just sure it's not politics. When Joseph takes off again (in the godawful morning of May 30th, WHY DO THESE GERMANS GET UP SO EARLY ALL THE TIME?), the Duke sums his Joseph impressions up:

"Given his ambition, his fondness of things military and his eagerness to express to succeed in everything, he may have threatening intentinos. And yet he dedicated himself to so many things it one hopes the amiability he's shown and the future years that will pass until the death of his mother will make him lord and master of all will help him grow calmer. Of our kingdom, he has surely won a good impression, and he's bound to love Paris and the French who admired him. All in all this partly dreaded visit has been success. Moreover, he has served as an example to our court and given it an impression of true greatness."

What the Duke of course doesn't know is that during this visit, Joseph was acting as least likely (if successful) marital advisor to the royal couple. Marie Antoinette and her husband Louis had in seven years of marriage not managed to have intercourse in a way that produced an heir. Since the Austria/France alliance (after centuries of hostility) was a relatively recent thing, a lot was riding on this particular marriage being a success. Which meant Joseph during his visit found himself acting as unofficial Dr. Ruth to the younger couple. So this is the highest ranking man of his time writing home to brother Leopold after a first personal chat with both his sister and his brother-in-law in which he finally figures out what the problem is:

(Louis) has excellent erections, puts his penis inside, remains there perhaps two minutes without moving and without ejaculating, then he pulls his still erected penis out and says goodnight to his wife. The entire thing is incomprehensible since he does have the occasional wet dream. He appears to be completely satisfied and admits that he regards the act solely as an exercise in duty, finding no pleasure in it. If I could have been present, I'd have taught him! He should be whipped like an ass so he might ejaculate. As for our sister, she's not very sensually inclined, either, and the two of them together are a pair of blatant amateurs.

(Joseph expressed himself more tactfully towards Louis, successfully so, sine Marie Antoinette finally did get pregnant afterwards.)


Joseph’s first wife, Isabella de Parma, was young, beautiful, smart – and utterly disinterested in men. She was in love with his sister Maria Christina. She also died young, after a few years of marriage.



Isabella and Maria Christina
We have most of Isabella’s letters to her sister-in-law, which were first published by Maria Christina’s husband Albert years after her death in a censored version, and then in the 20th century uncensored.
Non-censored bits: "I overwhelm you with my kisses" or "I kiss everything you're letting me kiss", or "despite your saintliness, I kiss you from all my soul, so we can say these are pious kisses, for what hails from the soul is spiritual and not earthly, though I love earthly matters - le terre à terre."

Censored bit: for example a rare German sentence in an otherwise French correspondance: "Ich küsse dein erzenglisches Arscherl", "I kiss your arch angelic arse". "Englisch" here in the sense of "angelic", not in the sense of "English". Erz is arch, as in arch duchess, Maria Christina's title. Except for one, all the 200 plus letters still existing are Isabella's.

It's a sad story for everyone concerned, other than Maria Christina, aka Mimi, who was MT's favourite daughter and after Isabella's death became the only one of MT's children to be allowed to marry for love, not politics, the man of her choice. (BTW, in the two Marie Antoinette novels I've read that include her pre-France chldhood, MC is a villain because the rest of the kids, not blind to the favouritism, resented her. Antoinette didn't allow MC to visit her at her personal refugee, the Petit Trianon when MC visited Paris with her husband later, she only received her in the main palace of Versailles.) The Isabella/Joseph match was, like Marie Antoinette/Louis meant to strengthen the new Austria/France alliance. (Isabella being a Bourbon.) The future couple were incredibly nervous going into the match, as we know from their letters. Joseph, unlike his father, was still a virgin when marrying, and a shy, slightly stammering one. Isabella was more outwardly confident, but she also had inherited marriage trauma. Her mother had been a child bride, only 14 years old at the time of Isabella's birth, and said "I turn to ice every time he touches me" about her husband, whom she loathed. She also died when only in her 30s. Moreover, and most importantly, without "no homo" blinders of older biographers it's pretty clear that Isabella just didn't like men and preferred women. She wrote those 200 plus letters while being mostly in the same city with Maria Christina, whom she had corresponded with even before meeting her in person, and pretty much adored her on sight. And vice versa.

Meanwhile, Joseph also fell for his bride on sight, nervous or not. As well he might. On the surface, he'd hit the jackpot of arranged marriages. She was beautiful, smart, and very musical - she played the violin, which as you'll recall from Gertrud Elisabeth Schmeling Mara, was considered a bit scandalous for a woman at least by non-royalty. He remained smitten, and when she died only three years later, he'd nursed her through her painful illness, the smallpox, likelihood of infection be damned. (Maria Theresia was also present at Isabella's sick bed a lot; Isabella was the sole family member whom she never as much as mildly critisized but only had praise for. Maria Christina, otoh, was not there, but she may not have been allowed to, being yet unmarried, and a smallpox infection even if she'd survived it would have ruined her marriage chances. Remember, this was before MT allowed her to marry for love.)

If Joseph ever figured out she never loved him, and had in fact loved his sister, passionately, we don't have any evidence to go with it. And emotionally, she barely tolerated and not even respected him. In the letters to MC, he's ridiculed for not noticing she much prefers his sister, and Isabella wrote a pamphlet called "On the nature of men" which can be summed up with "men are scum, led by their dicks, never as much as noticing we don't want to have sex with them, and incapable of higher feelings". Don't get me wrong, being in an enforced sexual relationship is awful, legally licensed rape, and she wasn't obliged to feel anything for him. But it's still sad that not even friendship on her part was possible, because he did adore her, and was also a devoted father to their daughter instead of doing the period thing of being disappointed for her not being a son. (Who turned out to be his only child, and she died before growing up.)

(Joseph's second marriage was also a disaster but for oppposite reasons. He didn't want to marry again in the first place, since Isabella's death had devasteded him, but both his parents - Franz Stefan was still alive then - insisted, because dynastic duty. And then he pulled a Fritz on the princess he did end up with, going out of his way to avoid her, and being in her presence in the few years they were married mere hours. When she died as well, he stuck to his guns and refused to marry till the rest of his admittedly none too long life, which is why brother Leopold became Emperor after him.)

Back to Isabella: the non-amatory quotes from the letters in the biography I'm reading make it clear she had no problem giving Joseph the impression she loved him. (Till his own death, he always said the time with her had been "the greatest happiness of my life" and that she was the most wonderful person he ever knew, etc.) She also instructs MC on how to behave: MC was supposed to show "the arch duke" as she consistently called him that she admired Isabella for her character, not for her tender qualities. As he hated open flattery, MC should not compliment him directly, just ensure to make a positive comment now and then in a situation where he overheard but could believe she didn't know she was there. That way, smooth sibling relations and MC's constant presence at her side would be ensured, etc. It's quite manipulative, but it has to be said it was survival stragegy, for Isabella couldn't have known she'd die early. In the normal run of things, she'd have remained married to Joseph for decades, and he'd have had complete authority over her life. If he'd behaved towards her as FW did to Sophia Dorothea, for example, or as her own father had behaved towards her mother, then once his mother was dead there would have been no one to stop him. So it's understandable she didn't trust him, or anyone else (other than MC?)and instead prefered using strategy and manipulation.

(She did with MT, too, because of course she knew that as long as MT lived, her word was ultimate law in Vienna, and thus winning and keeping her favour was quintessential. Writes Isabella to MC about MT: "The Empress has an excellent, tender and compassionate heart" but "she distrusts her own insight, she forgets that few people are sincere and true friends are a rareity. That is where the mistakes she makes hail from; that is the root of the indecision she occasionally shows; and thus she at times asks those for council who are more impertinent than others in offering their falseness." Therefore, MC was supposed to outmaneuvre everyone else and take advantage of the fact that one of MT's primary virtues was loyalty, that if you'd once won her friendship, she remained your friend for life. Of course it was difficult to "be the friend of a great princess, a monarch and your own mother" since the unequality of rank and the respect for a parent were in the way, but that with "discretion, steadfastness and a lack of sensitivity towards attacks by others scheming to be close to MT", it could be done.

It comes across as cold-blooded, but like I said: in an ancien regime court, this was survival technique.

Isabella’s and Joseph’s only daughter, who was called MT after his mother, didn’t survive her mother for long. When she died at only 7 years of age, he wrote this letter to her governess, Christine de Trazegnies, Marquise d'Herzelles:

Madame,

If decency permitted, it would be with you alone that I would be pouring out the sorrow which… pierces my soul. I have ceased to be a father: it is more than I can bear. Despite being resigned to it, I cannot stop myself thinking and saying every moment: ‘O my God, restore to me my daughter, restore her to me.’ I hear her voice, I see her. I was dazed when the terrible blow fell. Only after I had got back to my room did I feel the full horror of it, and I shall go on feeling it all the rest of my life, since I shall miss her in everything. But not that I have, I believe, fulfilled all the duties of a father - and a good father - one [duty] remains which I hear my daughter imposing on me: that of rendering thanks to you. Madame, where would you wish me to begin? All your trouble and care have been beyond price. But [she] would never forgive me if I did not at least try to induce you to accept the enclosed offering as a memento of all that I owe you and a pledge of all that I should like to do for you. In addition the sincere respect and true friendship that I have sworn to you can in some way discharge [my obligation], you can be sure it will be unshakable. I venture to ask only one favour from you, which is that no one shall ever know anything about it and that even between ourselves - since I am counting on our weeping and talking again together about this dear child - there will never be any mention of it, or you will at once cause me to regret fulfilling this duty. I beg you to urge the same absolute silence of Mlle Chanclos, for whom I also enclose a letter; it is for me a point of importance. As my daughter’s sole heir, I have just given orders… that I should keep only her diamonds. [You are to have everything else.] One thing that I would ask you to let me have is her white dimity dressing-gown, embroidered with flowers, and some of her writings. I have her mother’s, I shall keep them together. Have pity on a friend in despair, and be sure that I can hardly wait for the moment when I come to see you…

Your true friend and servant,

Joseph

This unhappy 23 January, which has overturned our happy and so successful household, 1770.

Did Joseph have non-disastrous relationships? He did, the circle of five, allow me to copypaste:


"In late eighteenth-century Vienna there existed a remarkable coterie of five aristocratic women, known to history as “the five princesses” (die fünf Fürstinnen), who achieved social preeminence and acclaim as close associates of the Habsburg “reform emperor” Joseph II: Princess Maria Josepha Clary (1728–1801); Princess Maria Sidonia Kinsky (1729–1815); Princess Marie Leopoldine Liechtenstein (1733–1809); Countess—subsequently Princess—Marie Leopoldine Kaunitz (1741–1795); and Princess Marie Eleonore Liechtenstein (1745–1812). (...)
In a remarkable letter written in summer 1775, Grand Duke Leopold scolded his older brother Emperor Joseph about the unsuitable company Joseph kept. Leopold’s critique was direct and vivid: “that persons among the groups you visit informally dare to meddle by talking to you about political matters and accordingly if they are women to make wrongheaded objections … and even dare to scold you … or make impertinent remarks, and that you can allow this, tolerate it, and visit them again seems to me one of the most astonishing things in the world.”

(He may have abolished the death penalty in his dukedom before Joseph did but we don't like Poldl, no we don't, precious. When Mozart wrote La Clemenza di Tito for his coronation, Leopold's wife called it "una porcheria tedesca", a German swinishness.

Joseph, for his part, referred to the "charmed circle" as "“five ladies joined together in society who tolerated me" and when he was on his deathbed in 1790, he wrote this to the five:

Mesdames, it is time, my end approaches, to acknowledge to you once more here through these lines my appreciation and gratitude for the kindness, patience, friendship, and even flattering concern that you have been good enough to show me and to bestow on me during the many years we have been together in society. I miss each of those days, not once were there too many for me, and never to see you again is the only meritorious sacrifice I make in leaving this world, be so good as to remember me in your prayers, I cannot be sufficiently grateful for the grace and infinite mercy of providence to me, in complete accord therewith I await my hour, farewell then, you will be unable to read this scribbling, the handwriting attests to my condition.

For a m/m ship, there's Angelo Soliman, one of the earliest black citizens of Vienna, who was befriended by Joseph and often played chess with him. (His post mortem fate is infuriating. Franz II - son of Leopold - had him mummified and put on display in a museum where Angelo's own daughter had to see him.) Angelo also knew Mozart and may or may not have been the model for Bassa Selim in Die Entführung aus dem Serail.

What happened to Maria Christina:
The man of her choice turned out to be Prince Albert (no, really), who was a sixth son (and the thirteenth child all in all), and thus really a penniless prince (grandkid of August the Strong). (Fritz having invaded Saxony by now, that descent wasn't worth much anyway.) They had one child, a daughter, who died the day of her birth, and the birth was so difficult that MC could not get pregnant again. Otherwise, though, she was happy in her marriage. (She later persuaded brother Leopold to give her one of his sons for adoption so she and Albert would have an heir.) After MT's brother-in-law had died, she wanted MC and Albert to govern the Austrian Netherlands after him. (The Austrian Netherlands were roughly the territory of Belgium and Luxemburg.) Then she died, and trouble started.

Joseph honored the appointment, but he also insisted they'd reform the Austrian Netherlands according to his new program. And cut down their budget.

MC: I can't believe you're cutting down my budget! How are we're supposed to represent the Empire this way?!?
Joseph: The way I do. Your husband can wear uniforms. You can wear a dress more than once.
MC: You're mean and jealous. Because Mom liked me better. Yep. That's whom you're jealous of.
Joseph: I've spent seven weeks in the Austrian Netherlands, and they really need reforming. Here's a detailed list of what you and Albert are supposed to do and the laws you're supposed to sign. Do not dare to do anything else. Micromanagement is the way to go, says Fritz!
Albert: So we're just there to be pretty faces in old fashioned clothes? That sucks! MC, we're off to visit your sister in Paris.
MC: Ah, the city of light. Party time!
Marie Antoinette: If you must, but not in my favourite place. You get a public reception in Versailles, and that's that.
MC: But when Joseph visited, you were all over him! For weeks! And weeks!
MA: He helped me and Louis with an urgent problem. Also, we like each other, even if he's a lecturing know-it-all. Whereas I still can't stand you. Bye.
MC: Jealous siblings are the curse of my existence. Is it my fault Mom liked me best?
Albert: Better go to Vienna and make nice with Joseph.
Joseph: I thought I told you two to govern the Netherlands for me.
MC: We can't! You don't let us decide anything! And everyone hates your reforms!
Joseph: You're going back to the Netherlands. Reform already!
Netherlands: have a minor uprising.
MC: This is all bloody Joseph's fault!
Revolution in France: Ensues.
Netherlands: Have a major uprising as a follow up, resulting in the first Republic of Belgium.
MC: No way am I going to let myself captured by the peasants like silly MA. Come on, Albert, we're off to Bonn in exile until Joe sends us troops, more money and finally admits his reforms are rubbish!

Joseph: *dies*
MC: Well, I'm not exactly broken. Poldl, do we have a deal? Troops? Decision leaveway? Heir?
Leopold: *sends troops who take Netherlands/Belgium back* Okay, you two are governors again. But the actual governing shall be done by this new kid I've just discovered. He's got talent. Step forward, Metternich.
Albert: I can't believe your family. I'm so writing a trashy tell-all after you're all dead.
Leopold: *dies*
Franz II: You two can stay as my representatives, except...
French Revolutionary Army: *arrives*
Napoleon: What can I say. It's a new era.

MC: I liked the time when Isabella told me I was the most wonderful person alive much better. Albert, we're off to Vienna. My nephew has to cough up a pension.
Albert: Still writing that tell-all though.
MC: *dies in Vienna*
Albert: *comissions a tomb by Canova titled "Uxori Optimae Albertus" (to the best wife, Albert), collects graphics, gets the Albertinum in Vienna named after him*