Broccoli test
Sep. 15th, 2020 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mildred_of_midgard posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
rheinsbergAuthor: selenak, with help from mildred_of_midgard and raven_aorla
Original discussion: https://cahn.dreamwidth.org/166556.html?thread=1776028#cmt1776028, https://cahn.dreamwidth.org/167862.html?thread=1926838#cmt1926838
I did this once for another fandom of mine, years and years ago, and now couldn't resist. So: mes amies, The Broccoli Test, as applied to Frederician pairings.
Fritz/Voltaire: Again, the easiest answer. They fail, they blame each other for not understanding the other guy wants broccoli, not to mention that Voltaire tries to swindle the casheer and Fritz tries to take the broccoli without paying altogether. But: once the security staff tries to throw them out, they unite in making fun of said security so efficiently that all the disgruntled customers can't help laughing. In the ensueing hilarity, they escape, and promptly start arguing in the car park.
Fritz/Fredersdorf: Well, Fredersdorf passes with flying colours. He has the broccoli ready before Fritz has finished mouthing the "B". Their true problem is that when Fredersdorf wants broccoli and for some reason can't get it himself, Fritz understands Fredersdorf wants broccoli, alright, but he also thinks the gesturing means Fredersdorf has fallen sick and in a panic shouts down the entire store, ordering everyone to get his boyfriend some BROCCOLI.
Fritz/Algarotti: Algarotti understands Fritz wants broccoli, sure, but he thinks broccoli is boring and brings home some dishy alternate vegetable. He's persuasive enough to make Fritz eat it, but that's the reason why Fritz never sends Algarotti out shopping agian.
Fritz/Suhm: Poor young Fritz never got enough pocket money to buy broccoli, so Suhm used to buy it for him as a gift. That way, he's learned all about Fritz' broccoli taste and favourite flavours. Unfortunately, they never make it into the supermarket at the same time to test whether Fritz has any idea what Suhm wants when gesturing; death intervenes.
Fritz/Peter: Talk about getting your signals mixed. Peter thinks Fritz' handsigns mean Fritz wants him to go away and not embarrass him in the supermarket, Fritz thinks Peter just doesn't care about his eagerness for broccoli. It's tragic.
Fritz/Katte: I wouldn't dare. Over to you, Mildred.
Extra bonus: The siblings.
Fritz/Wilhelmine: Wilhelmine of course understands Fritz wants broccoli. The problem is: so does MT, who arrives at the stall at just the same time Wilhelmine does. Instead of scratching MT's eyes out, Wilhelmine starts chatting to her, which an observing Fritz takes as a reason to shout "TRAITOR" across all aisles.
Fritz/Heinrich: Of course Heinrich knows Fritz wants broccoli, it's not like Fritz is in any way subtle about it, what with the ellbowing all other customers in line to the lone open cash register, who are so pissed off that they're ganging up on him. Meanwhile, Heinrich grabs another supermarket employee and persuades them to open another register, emerging with an armful of nicely filled and packaged broccoli bags. However, by then Fritz has managed to make it to the other register with a lone bedraggled broccoli bag, looking like a walking punching bag, but walking, which impresses a passerby so much that he makes a photo which promptly gets tweeted everywhere with the punchline "Hero of the Broccoli War".
mildred_of_midgard, on Voltaire: When charged with shoplifting, Fritz has his lawyer argue that one of Fritz's ancestors was pressured into selling all his shares in the broccoli farm, meaning Fritz was only trying to right an ancient wrong. But for some reason, the head of the supermarket chain just won't accept this and keeps trying to repossess the broccoli.
ETA: "Fritz's lawyer argues that one of Fritz's ancestors was pressured into selling all his shares in the broccoli farm" reminds me of Good Will Hunting's "Grand theft auto, February '94. Where apparently you defended yourself and had the case thrown out by citing Free Property Rights of Horse and Carriage from 1798."
Grand theft broccoli!
mildred_of_midgard and raven_aorla, on Algarotti:
raven_aorla: I bet Algarotti got a romanesco. They are related to broccoli but are so much more intriguing
me: *googles* Oh, yes!
me: First documented in Italy!
raven_aorla: but look at the fractals, Fritz! I had to!
raven_aorla: "Produces a stunning apple-green whorled head with better taste and texture than most of the finest broccolis. Widely grown and prized in Italy."
raven_aorla: And presumably also loved by math nerds.
mildred_of_midgard on Katte, take 1: By the time Fritz gestures that he wants broccoli, Katte's already looking for their favorite kind. But he's forced to signal that the store's all out and won't be back in stock until tomorrow. Fritz signals back that it's a broccoli emergency and can't wait. After a quick exchange of "Are you SURE?" "YES!", Katte loyally texts a friend who works for a rival seller to smuggle him broccoli, all the while knowing that it's against the rules of this supermarket to bring outside food in.
Unfortunately, he's caught, at which point the batshit supermarket owner, livid over the lost business--"How DARE you bring rival produce into MY store!"--has his security goons beat Katte to death, while Fritz watches in horror from the other aisle. After this experience, Fritz becomes a loyal customer and never ever sets foot in the rival supermarket, nor allows anyone else to. He does, however, remain a defiant lifelong eater of his and Katte's favorite brand of broccoli, and boycotts all other flavors.
Take 2: Katte decides to sneak into the back of the store to look for unshelved broccoli, and of course gets caught. Fritz watches him get manhandled and dragged out of the store and banned from setting foot in it, so no broccoli for them.
selenak, with help from mildred_of_midgard and raven_aorlaOriginal discussion: https://cahn.dreamwidth.org/166556.html?thread=1776028#cmt1776028, https://cahn.dreamwidth.org/167862.html?thread=1926838#cmt1926838
I did this once for another fandom of mine, years and years ago, and now couldn't resist. So: mes amies, The Broccoli Test, as applied to Frederician pairings.
Fritz/Voltaire: Again, the easiest answer. They fail, they blame each other for not understanding the other guy wants broccoli, not to mention that Voltaire tries to swindle the casheer and Fritz tries to take the broccoli without paying altogether. But: once the security staff tries to throw them out, they unite in making fun of said security so efficiently that all the disgruntled customers can't help laughing. In the ensueing hilarity, they escape, and promptly start arguing in the car park.
Fritz/Fredersdorf: Well, Fredersdorf passes with flying colours. He has the broccoli ready before Fritz has finished mouthing the "B". Their true problem is that when Fredersdorf wants broccoli and for some reason can't get it himself, Fritz understands Fredersdorf wants broccoli, alright, but he also thinks the gesturing means Fredersdorf has fallen sick and in a panic shouts down the entire store, ordering everyone to get his boyfriend some BROCCOLI.
Fritz/Algarotti: Algarotti understands Fritz wants broccoli, sure, but he thinks broccoli is boring and brings home some dishy alternate vegetable. He's persuasive enough to make Fritz eat it, but that's the reason why Fritz never sends Algarotti out shopping agian.
Fritz/Suhm: Poor young Fritz never got enough pocket money to buy broccoli, so Suhm used to buy it for him as a gift. That way, he's learned all about Fritz' broccoli taste and favourite flavours. Unfortunately, they never make it into the supermarket at the same time to test whether Fritz has any idea what Suhm wants when gesturing; death intervenes.
Fritz/Peter: Talk about getting your signals mixed. Peter thinks Fritz' handsigns mean Fritz wants him to go away and not embarrass him in the supermarket, Fritz thinks Peter just doesn't care about his eagerness for broccoli. It's tragic.
Fritz/Katte: I wouldn't dare. Over to you, Mildred.
Extra bonus: The siblings.
Fritz/Wilhelmine: Wilhelmine of course understands Fritz wants broccoli. The problem is: so does MT, who arrives at the stall at just the same time Wilhelmine does. Instead of scratching MT's eyes out, Wilhelmine starts chatting to her, which an observing Fritz takes as a reason to shout "TRAITOR" across all aisles.
Fritz/Heinrich: Of course Heinrich knows Fritz wants broccoli, it's not like Fritz is in any way subtle about it, what with the ellbowing all other customers in line to the lone open cash register, who are so pissed off that they're ganging up on him. Meanwhile, Heinrich grabs another supermarket employee and persuades them to open another register, emerging with an armful of nicely filled and packaged broccoli bags. However, by then Fritz has managed to make it to the other register with a lone bedraggled broccoli bag, looking like a walking punching bag, but walking, which impresses a passerby so much that he makes a photo which promptly gets tweeted everywhere with the punchline "Hero of the Broccoli War".
mildred_of_midgard, on Voltaire: When charged with shoplifting, Fritz has his lawyer argue that one of Fritz's ancestors was pressured into selling all his shares in the broccoli farm, meaning Fritz was only trying to right an ancient wrong. But for some reason, the head of the supermarket chain just won't accept this and keeps trying to repossess the broccoli.ETA: "Fritz's lawyer argues that one of Fritz's ancestors was pressured into selling all his shares in the broccoli farm" reminds me of Good Will Hunting's "Grand theft auto, February '94. Where apparently you defended yourself and had the case thrown out by citing Free Property Rights of Horse and Carriage from 1798."
Grand theft broccoli!
mildred_of_midgard and raven_aorla, on Algarotti:raven_aorla: I bet Algarotti got a romanesco. They are related to broccoli but are so much more intriguing
me: *googles* Oh, yes!
me: First documented in Italy!
raven_aorla: but look at the fractals, Fritz! I had to!
raven_aorla: "Produces a stunning apple-green whorled head with better taste and texture than most of the finest broccolis. Widely grown and prized in Italy."
raven_aorla: And presumably also loved by math nerds.
mildred_of_midgard on Katte, take 1: By the time Fritz gestures that he wants broccoli, Katte's already looking for their favorite kind. But he's forced to signal that the store's all out and won't be back in stock until tomorrow. Fritz signals back that it's a broccoli emergency and can't wait. After a quick exchange of "Are you SURE?" "YES!", Katte loyally texts a friend who works for a rival seller to smuggle him broccoli, all the while knowing that it's against the rules of this supermarket to bring outside food in.Unfortunately, he's caught, at which point the batshit supermarket owner, livid over the lost business--"How DARE you bring rival produce into MY store!"--has his security goons beat Katte to death, while Fritz watches in horror from the other aisle. After this experience, Fritz becomes a loyal customer and never ever sets foot in the rival supermarket, nor allows anyone else to. He does, however, remain a defiant lifelong eater of his and Katte's favorite brand of broccoli, and boycotts all other flavors.
Take 2: Katte decides to sneak into the back of the store to look for unshelved broccoli, and of course gets caught. Fritz watches him get manhandled and dragged out of the store and banned from setting foot in it, so no broccoli for them.
